Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend

Author:Anne Dohrenwend [Dohrenwend, Anne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780882824130
Publisher: New Horizon Press
Published: 2012-10-22T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter 18

When Development Derails

As children approach adulthood, the parent-child relationship can change in dramatic ways. Parents gradually surrender the authority that gave them the right to set limits and hold their children accountable. They accept a very different role with limited power: that of advisor and counselor. Failure to make this shift will strain the parent-child relationship and thwart maturation. A young adult who is kept on a “short leash” will either submit or try to break free. If s/he pulls and breaks free, s/he will likely be propelled far away, at a safe distance beyond parental reach and influence. If s/he submits, the child will fail to meet and conquer the developmental challenges of young adulthood that can only be encountered beyond the bounds of parental supervision. Neither of these options are healthy ones. Painful as it may be, frightening as it may be, parents must let go and let their children grow and become independent. Only after a child sees that his or her parents respect his or her independence can s/he safely use them as a touchstone for consolation and advice. Accepting your child’s sexual identity is necessary for his or her continued emotional development, but it is also necessary for the successful transition from the parent-child relationship to a parent-adult child relationship.

The relinquishing of parental control comes in stages. In early adolescence, you need to encourage your child to make minor decisions, such as clothing, length of hair and whether to join a sports team or try out for the school play. By late adolescence, your child should be making decisions that have more lasting consequences, such as whether to go to college or get a job and whether to say yes or no to sex with a partner. Eventually, as the child becomes an adult, the child should assume full responsibility for his or her decisions. When that happens, the child becomes a full-fledged adult. The age at which adulthood commences is not set in stone, but a good estimate is somewhere between eighteen and twenty-two years of age.

Failure to separate from parents leaves a young adult psychologically tethered to them. Not only does this limit psychosocial development, but also it puts a strain on the parent-child relationship. Any small conflict can feel like a tug-of-war.

Family systems psychologists (among them Salvador Minuchin, Virginia Satir and Murray Bowen) have developed and popularized approaches to family therapy that focus on issues such as the importance of boundaries between family members. In healthy families, individuals maintain and respect boundaries while maintaining connection. When a family member’s boundaries are too rigid, family systems therapists refer to the relationship as disengaged. When a family member’s boundaries are too permeable, family systems therapists refer to this relationship as enmeshed. Boundary problems in a family can delay, halt or distort normal child development. When a child is gay, parent-child boundary problems add yet another layer of complication to sexual identity development, a process already burdened by homophobia.1

In working with LGBTQ adolescents, the problem of overly permeable boundaries is significant.

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